the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
