Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
