You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Congratulations! We have a period
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
