I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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