so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
