Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
this hospital has no fireball
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
