Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
