you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
