the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.