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I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
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