I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
