there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
