Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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