he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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