This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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