Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
