Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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