I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
