I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
