yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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