I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
