If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
