Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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