She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
