so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
