hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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