Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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