I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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