I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
