Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
