Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
