just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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