my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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