i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
