Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
