ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
