I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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