wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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