Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
