My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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