haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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