While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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