im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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