I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
