I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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