WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
