Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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