Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
