I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
