cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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