Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
