my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
