Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
