Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
