i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
