He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
